he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
