How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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