I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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