so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
