So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
