My friends, they love my intelligence
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
