I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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