I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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