i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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