How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
