You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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