Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
