note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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