You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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