That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
