you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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