So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
