This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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