I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
