apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
