im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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