His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
