So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
