Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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