Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
