Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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