So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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