You smell like a Billy Joel song
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
