I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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