I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
