I am puke
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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