Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
