I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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