My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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