the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
