She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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