I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
