i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
