you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
