so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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