So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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