Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
