Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
