Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
