Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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