why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
