She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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