Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
