Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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