found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
