so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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