The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
